Buy Silver Or You Will Die


It’s the news everyone dreads—a call from the hospital. And it’s about one of the most important people in the world…

Your mother.

[Every ALL-CAPS ITEM below contains silver or is required in its use.]

You hear the nurse talking urgently through your TELEPHONE and you realize it’s serious…

You grab your REMOTE CONTROL and turn down the volume on your PLASMA TV that’s playing your favorite DVD movie. You push the BUTTON and the SPEAKERS go mute. You press “save” on the KEYBOARD of your COMPUTER.

“Yes, she’s okay,” the nurse tells you. “But you need to come to the HOSPITAL right away.”

That’s all you need to hear. You yell to your spouse and grab your CELLPHONE to call your siblings.

“Is she alright?” your wife asks frantically. She was using the VACUUM CLEANER and WASHING MACHINE and didn’t hear the conversation.

“Yes, but hurry,” you reply, reaching to turn off the STOVE.

Your wife springs into action—she pushes the TOYS out of the way, grabs a WATER BOTTLE from the REFRIGERATOR and closes the MICROWAVE door.

You run to the bedroom and put on that new SUNBLOCK SHIRT she got you and check yourself in the MIRROR. You notice the glint off your SOLAR PANELS shines brightly through the WINDOW. You’re sweating and are glad the AIR CONDITIONER and AIR PURIFIER are working.

Your wife opens the LATCH to the front door. You notice she’s wearing those EARRINGS you got her for Christmas, the ones you put in with the CD of her favorite singer.

You unlock the car with your REMOTE KEY and rev up the ENGINE. Your wife opens the POWER WINDOWS while you adjust the POWER SEATS.

You leave the RADIO off, and are impatient at the STOPLIGHT, even though you can already see the CELLPHONE TOWERS on top of the hospital. Your wife is talking to your other family members on her CELLPHONE.

You pull up to the toll booth and the SCANNER beeps you through quickly. Your wife glances at her WATCH, and you remember she needs a new BATTERY.

You enter the hospital through the AUTOMATIC DOOR and a receptionist uses an IPAD to give you the room number. The indoor temperature is cool and you remember reading about the new INSULATION the hospital used in construction. You quickly push the ELEVATOR BUTTON for the second floor.

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